MARY TART: Hello Everyone, I'm Mary Tart. Welcome to Bombardment Tonight, where we bring you the latest gossip and up to date news about the stars of the defense community.
Today we're broadcasting live from the heartbeat of Canada's defence research community, the Defence Research Establishment Ottawa, or DREO.
It's also the place to get the latest buzz from the Canadian Forces Electronic Warfare Centre! On tonight's show, controversy hits DREO as self-appointed peace protesters demonstrate against alleged violations of international law.
Yes, Bombardment Tonight was first on the scene as we discovered a scraggly band of ill shaven hippies, communists, anarchists, socialists, old ladies in running shoes, and what are likely the most bizarre selection of sexual proclivities this side of Madonna's boudoir descending on one of Ottawa's most venerable institutions, where the exploitation of the electromagnetic spectrum for defence purposes is the name of the game.
On tonight's show, we talk to some of these so-called peaceful people to ask why they are here trying to defame one of the well-funded arms of the Canadian military establishment, one which is helping militaries around the world with targetting, Information Warfare, Space Systems and Technologies for Defence Applications, Detection and Identification of NBC [nuclear, biological, chemical] Agents." Indeed, this is whereresearch and development for national missile defence, the last line of defence against rogue states, is being carried out!
I'm standing in front of an area where a series of detectives have gathered to investigate what they claim are clues about Canada's alleged involvement in space warfare. May I ask you, what are you looking for?
DETECTIVE #1: We're here to investigate the links between DREO and space warfare. And I think I have found one of them. It comes from a January, 2001, Ottawa Citizen article that says DREO is involved in a Star Wars research program called the Quantum Well Infrared Photodetector. "This project is a key contributor to the collaborative work with the (U.S.) Ballistic Missile Defence Organization [the key U.S. government branch pursuing NMD]," read military research reports obtained by the Citizen. The Canadian QWIP system has "significant implications for future exploitation to support U.S. Space-based Infrared Surveillance Systems, surveillance from space and missile defence applications."
MARY TART: Well, that's just something from a crummy Conrad Black newspaper, do you believe everything you read? Oh, I think we have another clue coming up.
DETECTIVE #2: Yes, I have a quotation from the Canadian government's Technology Investment Strategy 2000, which declares, "Space soon will be the fourth medium of warfare, it will not only bind all war fighting forces together but will also become strategically critical to the survival of warfighters...For future coalition warfare, space superiority will be fundamental."
MARY TART: This place is getting pretty thick with gumshoes, here's another detective. What have you found?
DETECTIVE #3: In October, 1997, the U.S. and Canadian militaries signed a joint Statement of Intent for military space cooperation on the understanding that such an agreement to militarize the heavens "is in the mutual security and economic interests" of both countries.
You seem to be holding someting else. Could that be one of the clues as well? All this language seems to complex.
DETECTIVE #3: It's actually quite elementary, my dear Tart. It's from the annual report of DREO's parent company, Defence Research and Establishment Ottawa. It asks a qwuestion which lies at the heart of space warfare and the DREO mission: "Will technology allow us to fit 70 tons of lethality and survivability into a 20 ton package?"
MARY TART: Which means?
DETECTIVE #3: Well, lethality means killing power. It also means that one of the key parts of the Pentagon's Vision 2020 strategy for space warfare calls for the placement of weapons platforms in space which could zap the earth using directed energy or laser beam weapons. The only way to power these would be through the use of nuclear power plants in space. Since those power plants are so big, scientists are trying to figure out how to make the lightest-weight platform possible to power these new weapons systems.
MARY TART: Oh oh, it appears yet another clue!!!
DETECTIVE #4: This comes from the Pentagon's Vision for Space Warfare, Vision 2020.
Star Wars is about the ability to
"negate [i.e., obliterate] hostile space systems that place US and allied interests at risk...As a recent report states, 'Commercial use of space is rapidly expanding on a global scale. In the next ten years, more than 1,000 satellites are projected to be launched. This represents a total investment of more than one-half trillion dollars.' At the same time, the Tofflers have observed that the 'way a nation makes wealth is the means by which it will choose to wage warfare.' (Alvin and Heidi Toffler, War and Anti-War) As the US economy evolves from an industrially-focused nation to an information-based one, the US military is following the same pattern. The tools of warfare in the Information Age may differ from the tools of 20th Century warfare. Our nation's increasing military and economic dependence on space power makes it likely for space to become a vital national interest. This same dependence also implies vulnerability. US interests and investments in space must be fully protected to ensure our nation's freedom of action in space."
MARY TART: Well, we're not supposed to interefere with the production of news, being objective journalists of course who completely support our country's war efforts, but it does appear that there are a number of clues uncovered here that have not been covered by the rest of the media. It's quite possible we could have a scoop on our hands, a real live Bombardment Tonight Exclusive that the rest of the pack might be too scared to cover.
BREAK. PEOPLE GATHER TO WELCOME PEOPLE FROM VENUS
MARY TART: For those of you just tuning in,. Bombardment Tonight is on the scene of an exclusive report which seems to be telling us about a secret that Canada has been reluctant to share. From what we have been able to piece together so far, the Chretien government, which claims it is not involved in space warfare, may be engaged in an act of deception. Also.what's that--I seem to be breaking up. There appears to be an electrical disturbance going on. I'm going to see if we can move closer in to....oh my god. It's the most amazing sight I have ever seen since The Bionic Woman overtook the Six Million Dollar Man on the airwaves. It seems that a spaceship of some sort of spaceship has landed here in the fields outside of DREO and some visitors from, could it be outer space, have gotten off of their space ship. Excuse me, can I get through here?
Perhaps this young lady can tell me what's going on. Miss, could I get your name please?
KIRSTEN: Why, I'm Dorothy Gale of Etobicoke.
MARY TART: Aren't you from Kansas?
KIRSTEN: No, you must be mistaking me for the other Dorothy Gale..that hussy!
MARY TART: And what are you doing here at the DREO site today?
KIRSTEN: It's funny you should ask. Well, my friends and I were on our way back to Etobicoke in a hot air balloon when we got intercepted by our friends from Venus. They have come with a message of peace. They inform us that the DREO mission of fitting 70 tons of lethality in a 20 ton package is quite dangerous indeed.
MARY TART: What do they recommend instead?
KIRSTEN: I hope you don;t confuse me with that other Dorothy Gale, but the Venusians recommend 70 tons of libidinousness in a 20 ton package. It's a lot safer and a lot more fun.
MARY TART: Are you trying to say that the DREO mission is not compatible with inter-galactic peace?
KIRSTEN: Absolutely. It's hard to have agood life when all the resources go into war and hardly anything goes into things like housing and income supports. What we envision is a beautiful place where no one gets into trouble, where everyone lives in peace.
MARY TART: Is there such a place?
KIRSTEN: Of course,m why, It's just somewhere over the DREO!.
Somewhere over the DREO
There's a land where there's no more war
each and every day
Somewhere over the DREO
Bombs don't fall
There's a land where everything is
shared by all
If cluster bombs and laser beams
Were overcome with justice dreams
And people worked out problems with
A handshake and a hug and kith
And peaceniks weren't crazies
Somewhere over the DREO
New worlds lie
Cops and courts may try and stop us
And Call us pie in the sky
But if funny little Venusians see
Beyond the DREO
why oh why can't we?
MARY TART: Dorothy, that's all very well, but I am still puzzled by the preence of these other creatures. What are you doing here, Scarecrow?
SCARECROW: To support Dorothy's vision! We're here for the Venusians, and for Dorothy, and for everyone! That's why we have to see the Wiazrd of DREO.
MARY TART: The who?
SCARECROW: The wizard of DREO. He's the one behind all the problem s of the world, because he encourages people to kill each other as a means of solving conflict instead of solving their differences peacefully. That's why we need to see him.
MARY TART: And what can a man of straw teach a PHD?
SCARECROW: The Wizard and his minions at DREO haven't been using their brains! Why, it doesn't take an Einstein to solve the world's problems, and we only use 5% of our brains to begin with, so I'm going to help him the DREO scientists really use their brains!
MARY TART: What do you think would happen if they really used their brains?
SCARECROW (BRAIN SONG)
They would learn not to drop bombs on
The children of Vietnam
Iraq and Balkans Too (where lives go down the drain)
They'd stop playing war at DREO
They'd Sing songs from Mamma-Meo
If they only had a brain
They'd stop making things so lethal
And listen to the Beatles
Cause all you need is love (it's just around the curve)
They might smoke some marijuana
Maybe make love if they wanna
If they only had the nerve
Oh they'd stop plans for war
For housing they'd provide so much more
They'd be heroes of anarchistic lore
And then they'd soothe
The world's sores
They might go to demonstrations
And help United Nations
Keep them from goin' insane
Life could be a real doozy
Peaceniks' get some extra snoozy
If they only used their brain!
MARY TART: Very baffling indeed. That still doesn't explain the presence here of this creaking collection os Callaginous junk.
TINMAN: (Blow into microphone) Hello? Hello? Well, I'd like to say that a brain isn't the only thing the wizard of DREO needs to learn to use. He also has to learn some compassion, to learn that people, human beings, are the real victims of his work, and that bloodshed is the only thing that can result from his daily work.
MARY TART: Are you suggesting that the realm of physics needs a little more feeling?
TINMAN: Well, certainly a little more something!
MARY TART: And what wise words would you have for the wizards at DREO?
TIN MAN SONG
What a man is disconnected
Emotions not affected
He couldn't give a fart (ba ba ba ba bum, ba bum)
Doesn't care about the world
Or the havoc he's unfurled
Cause he doesn't have a heart.
When a man's job's plannin' murder
His feelings go no fur-der
Than shopping at the mart. (ca ching ca ching ca ching)
He won't stop this deadly business
Or pass empathy's pop-quiz-ness
Not until he has a heart
Picture me, society
People treated equally,
Where no one has to be a target-ee
Of laser beams
And DREO's dreams
When a man's job's makin missiles
Not from-the-heart epistles,
His poetry won't flow (his friendly muse won't start)
He would find himself more loving
HOMES NOT BOMBS he might be hugging
If he only had a heart
MARY TART: That's all very well, but don't you think it's fair to say that all he's doing is feeding his famiuy, that he has a job to do, and it's unfair of him to give it up?
TINMAN: Well, maybe our other friend can help answer that question...
LION: Step aside, step aside. Ruff. Ruff. Lemme see that Wazrd, I'll show him a thing or two about pickin on kids six thousand miles away with his missiles, zapping people with his laser beams. Why doesn't he pick on someone his own size? Or why doesn't he just stop pickin on people? Build some housing instead of some warheads?
MARY TART: Why, Mr Lion, that's quite a forceful tone you seem to have.
LION: Made it up myself, made it up myself.
MARY TART: But what abnout the wizards of DREOI. How will they cope in a wqorld without war?
LION: He's an enguineer, isn't he? He has skills, he could build, why, anything?
MARY TART: Anything?
MARY TART: Like what?
LION: Why, think of something presposterous
MARY TART: A cure for cancer for the hippopotamus?
LION: From his top to his bottom-us
MARY TART: A national strategy for affordable housing?
LION: Then we wouldn't have to hear Paul Martin grousing!
MARY TART: A national daycare program for the kiddies?
LION: The very thought of it gives me the giddies!
MARY TART: A program to help clean up the planet?
LION: We can do if if only he'll plan it.
MARY TART: An income strategy to help the poor
LION: Then everyone could order the soup du jour!
MARY TART: A nice green garden for everyone to grow?
LION: Then you wouldn't need Santa with his ho ho ho.
MARY TART: All these things you think he could do?
LION: Well, only if he exercised someting quite new.
MARY TART: And what would that be?
When morality is hazy
It can really drive ya crazy
And leave ya feeling blue, (up to a certain length)
You might feel a whole lot better
Write a social justice letter
If you only had the strength!
When a scientist gets lazy
His moral pulse gets hazy
He starts to play with war
You would think he'd be quite nervous
Cause it ain't no social service
When the product's blood and gore.
Oh he, should show some sense
stop sitting on the LIBERAL'S fence
He should sign this here Pledge of Conscience
He'd help the world
Get his hair curled!
So it's time to show some courage
Stop messing with the scour-age
Of planning future wars (a simple moral choice)
So let's go down there and see' em
Need no scientific theorum
Just to help give peace a voice!
Laurel: So, how exactly do you plan on getting to DREO?
KIRSTEN: It's very simple. Follow the space warfare road.
MARY TART: Follow the space warfare road?
Follow the space warfare road
Follow the space warfare road
Follow the follow the follow the follow the
Follow the Space Warfare Road
If ever there were a road to stop
The space warfare is near the top
And so and so and so and so and so
It's to the DREO we must go.
We're off to see the wizard
The wizard of D-R-E-O
He gives to war lethality and
to the world much woe,
He puts bad things up in the sky
They're likely to kill you and I
And so and so and so and so and soooooooo
And so that's why we have to go
We're off to see the wizard, the wizard of D-R-E-O
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